Is Eggnog the new Pumpkin Spice? Other Random Thoughts at the Height of the Season, and Fruitcake

The fourth of five in a series on the Christmas season at large. This one is a little more thinking aloud/stream-of-consciousness than my usual.

Dec 16, 2023

Well, all the busyness of the season is in full swing – in some instances, perhaps the madness of the season.

Everywhere, husbands (except me) are feeling inadequate because they are not reading their wives’ minds, nor do they have access to the script.

Fathers are feeling themselves failures for not being able to afford that coveted toy as a present for their son to open on that special morning.

In homes from one end of the nation to the other, wives are cursing their husbands because the expected bonus cheque is significantly less than expected – clearly because said husband is selfish and inconsiderate of his wife and children, or he is incompetent in his job which otherwise pays the bills the other fifty weeks of the year (I’m drawing on past experience here, it bears absolutely no resemblance to my life, today).

Women of all walks of life are condemning themselves for failing to deliver that perfect holiday dinner, party, brunch, front yard – and it’s even worse for those who are control freaks because every aspect of the celebration of the season must be just so.

Never mind that they simply refuse to trust their husbands or boyfriends to do something as simple as going to the supermarket and purchasing items on a shopping list. Apparently, at this time of year, grocery shopping becomes a branch of advanced theoretical mathematics that only women instinctively comprehend (again, past experience, not even close to life at present).

For whatever reason, far too many of us allow the passions of the season to carry us away. Frequently, expectations grow to galactic proportions. Given the pressure so many of us put on ourselves, it’s no wonder that the suicide rate spikes upwards.

Of course, this what happens every year on Beethoven’s Birthday (December 16) – there is no escaping it.

Just kidding – however, all of the above does apply to the days and weeks leading up to Christmas Eve, December 24.

So, in case you need it, you have my permission to take a break. Let your spouse know that for the well-being of all involved, you need to get away for an hour, or so – and if you are that spouse, please understand.

Remember that whatever are your plans, hopes, dreams or desires for the season this year, it’s perfectly all right if they don’t come to fruition as you might have imagined.

Eggnog

What an awful name for a beverage – especially one that is associated with The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Nonetheless, it is a staple of the Christmas holiday season for many.

For this essay, innumerable queries were made to find out which states consumed the most eggnog each year, but the data does not indicate that it is consumed more widely in any one state than another, hence there’s no conclusion to be made.

To be candid, the hope was to confirm my suspicion that it was largely an eastern US if not an east-coast phenomenon that made its way west in much the same way as did the game of soccer.

Despite the fact it has been around seemingly forever, it would appear that eggnog has only recently gained popularity in a manner that may not be as organic as some people would have us believe – again, much like soccer – or, it’s possible that I am only now noticing.

It isn’t mentioned in, “The Christmas Song”. Then again, roasting chestnuts over an open fire is, but I don’t know of anyone who does it.

What is known today as eggnog began as something called, Posset1

…a curdled beverage of milk and either wine or ale was a popular beverage in Britain that may have been a precursor to eggnog. Some monks would add eggs and figs to posset.2 However, the British drink was also called an egg flip,3 from the practice of ‘flipping’ (rapidly pouring) the mixture between two pitchers to mix it.4

“A curdled beverage”...$100 says that it was a single guy that invented it. My suspicion is that yogurt was invented the same way – some bachelor farmer was too lazy to pay attention to the task at hand and let some milk go bad, but couldn’t bring himself to throw it out.

The apparent popularity of this ancient concoction begs the question:

Is eggnog the new pumpkin spice?

Or is it just the next thing that BigBeverage wants to force down our throats (quite literally) like, New Coke? Wine Coolers? Zima? White Claw?

Don’t believe me? Think I’m crazy – a conspiracy theorist, perhaps?

Well, it’s not a conspiracy theory if it turns out to be true – but I digress…

Recall, if you will, every year around mid-August, pumpkin spice begins to dominate damn near everything – coffee, tea, creamers, breakfast foods, desserts, and even candles, air fresheners, et al.

As soon as Thanksgiving is over, it’s eggnog, everywhere.

In addition to the heavily sugar-laden concoctions available in grocery and convenience stores that likely are eggnog-flavoured milk,5 eggnog-flavoured spirits like bourbon, and whiskey are plentiful; as well as something called oat nog6, and so-related products like dessert coffee cocktail mixes.

In the event that what you purchase from the supermarket is real, genuine eggnog, bear in mind that you’ll be consuming something that registers as many as 400 calories per cup.7

Let’s be honest, though – do any of us care? No, we don’t – not really.

The very last thing on my mind on weekend mornings when I’m topping up my half-filled schooner-sized cup of French press-brewed coffee with Bailey’s is the calorie content.

However, this: Sugarlands Kellogg's Eggo Nog Appalachain Sippin' Cream

Introducing a mouthwatering partnership between the iconic Kellogg's Eggo Waffle brand and Appalachian Sippin' Cream produced by Sugarlands Distilling Company to create ‘EggoNog’ Eggnog Liqueur.

I found it to be particularly awful-sounding, almost nauseating. Just reading the description of the product, not only can I feel the diabetic coma coming on, but I can also imagine my liver shutting down in protest.

There is eggnog-flavoured candy, jelly beans, protein powder, fudge, almonds, chocolate bars, coffee (including coffee pods for Keurig coffee makers), cheesecake, non-alcoholic cocktail starter kits, cookie dough, gelato, ice cream and novelties, keto meal milkshake powder, oat milk, not to mention eggnog flavour extract, and syrups.

Believe it or not (believe it), there are eggnog-scented personal care products like body wash8, lip balm, et al., and eggnog-scented products for the home like vanilla eggnog candle and soap fragrance oil – no lie.

My recollection is that it was – and judging from the sheer number of items in one of my “news” feeds that are exclusively recipes for eggnog itself if not the latest eggnog-based cocktail, still is – the only beverage option at Christmas parties and other such holiday-themed gatherings.

Hence, it’s usually laced with alcohol: rum, brandy, or bourbon to varying degrees – and more is always better because there is no amount of nutmeg that can help it go down any easier. It’s kind of like cough syrup, that way.

However, if you are a fan of eggnog, more power to you!

Fruitcake

To the best of my knowledge fruitcake, despite being a well-established Christmas tradition (with more than two million9 fruitcakes sold annually in the US alone, it’s an institution) does not receive even a fraction of the love afforded eggnog.

This is strange considering that the history of fruitcake goes all the way back to ancient Rome – it was given to soldiers for sustenance in battle10 – the very first MRE. I wonder why the soldiers in the opening scenes of the film, “Gladiator” weren’t portrayed snacking on it.

While I am not a fan of fruitcake, it deserves a fair shake in this piece.

Not surprisingly, there are differences between American and European versions, though both are dense making them relatively very heavy relative to other types of cake, and both are made with brandy or rum which as, “The Untold Truth of Fruitcake” points out,

…not only preserves them and makes them more palatable but can also help you forget you've eaten one…

One dubious characteristic of fruitcake is its ability to remain preserved for weeks, months, even years or decades, courtesy of the preservative properties of the alcohol and the heavily candied fruit and nuts.

There is one account of a single fruitcake being exchanged between two friends for approximately sixty years, and while impressive, it pales in comparison to another that has been kept in the same family for more than one hundred-forty years.

Fruitcake – when it’s not the thought that counts.

Yet, for all of that rich history which includes being outlawed in Europe for most of the 1700s – the ingredients used made it a rather decadent treat causing it to be regarded as sinful by the authorites at the time – fruitcake has not enjoyed a very positive reputation.

It has in fact, been the butt of jokes – perhaps the most famous one made by Johnny Carson on, “The Tonight Show”:

‘There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other’11

This clip from the film, “The Apartment”, doesn’t really help to improve fruitcake’s plight – but it does underscore its status as a Christmastime institution.

Before I began writing this piece, it seemed to me that my quest for delicious, edible fruitcake may be akin to that for the Holy Grail or the Northwest Passage, because it was my conviction fruitcake that met that criteria was the stuff of myth. Therefore, the quest continues.

Christmas Movie Update

Last Saturday evening, we viewed, “The Family Man”, and I must report that it is being removed from the list that appeared in the third of this five-part series because a more attentive viewing revealed something that had not previously registered with me. For that reason, it cannot remain on the roster.

What I came to realize after viewing it again this year, is that it does not contain the uplifting message I previously believed it did. Instead, a key plot element from, “It’s A Wonderful Life”, is turned inside out.

Spoiler Alert: The protagonist is given a glimpse of a life that might have been, and when he realizes that it is incomparably more fulfilling than the one he chose, he’s not allowed to stay.

Back in his real life, if he was a changed man because of the peek at the life he might have been living, he applied the lessons learned, poorly. He selfishly chooses not to do that which he promised, and in the process he lets down his team, and in fact, the entire company. He put his own interests before others, demonstrating that he really hadn’t learned anything at all.

Roger Ebert’s review captures it best:

The heart of the movie is his gradual realization that his other life has somehow disappeared, that he's now a family man, that he has been granted the opportunity to experience all that he missed by putting his career ahead of personal goals. I always wonder, in movies like this, why the hero has been transferred into the alternate life but has retained the original memories – but of course if he had the alternate memories, he wouldn't know anything had happened.
I liked the movie, liked [Nicholas] Cage, liked [Téa] Leoni, smiled a lot, and yet somehow remained at arm's length…
One problem with the underlying plot is, how do you dispose of the family in the alternative world after the supernatural visitor learns his lesson? [The film] doesn't find a satisfactory resolution: Not that it's crucial, but it would have been nice. The movie is sweet, light entertainment, but could have been more.

It could have benefited from some better casting. Don Cheadle’s personal racism and seemingly genuine hatred of white people comes through all too clearly in his portrayal of his character – anyone would have been a better choice for the role of Cash, the supernatural being that ushers him into and out of the parallel universe.

On Friday, Joey Cantaloupe wanted to surprise us with what we later learned was his favourite Christmas movie: “Home Alone” – as it turns out, it’s one of my favourites, too. I have a sneaking suspicion that “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” is soon to follow.

I hope that this essay of random thoughts, limited stream-of-consciousness, and perhaps just plain nonsense has been an enjoyable read. There just wasn’t anything that I felt particularly compelled to say that I hadn’t already expressed, or will, in the fifth and final installment late next week.

The fifth and final installment in this series will be pubished on Christmas Eve day. Please enjoy this preview:

In any event, thank you, dear reader, for your indulgence.

Until next time…

Cultural Orphan

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